The Balls To Whistle: Stories from Soul Wide Open Albums

These pages are framed by way of albums and their constituent songs and lyrics.  This is a songwriter’s memoir after all.  Using this format, I aim to provide context to the lyrical content of all 34 recorded Soul Wide Open songs, background information around the factors and events which inspired their creation, as well as to share anecdotes about the recording, releasing and on limited occasions, the performances of these songs as well.  The events and people described herein are my own accounts of actual happenings and individuals.  I emphasise they are my own accounts only and given both the ‘validity of multiple perspectives’ as described by postmodern literary theory, and the intrinsically subjective nature of any individual account of any events at any time they may or may not differ to the other musicians involved. I have not sought confirmation of any of these accounts from any of the individuals described, and a number of people’s names may have been changed in an attempt to deidentify them where I have considered it best to do so.

As someone who has only ever been a local level, albeit at times semi-professional, musician, it may seem indulgent to even consider penning “a musician’s blog". But then writing and recording 34 songs between May 2015 and October 2020 is definitely an indulgence! Clearly I am not someone to be deterred by irrelevant trifles like that! Which also highlights the notable fact that I have been playing in working bands since 1994 and hence there are myriad more people, bands, songs and stories I could also write about, but who are not within these pages’ scope.  So why the Soul Wide Open songs? Getting back to concepts of indulgence, these are songs and projects where I have largely been at the helm in terms of their writing, recording and releasing.  Many of them have been creative collaborations between myself and quite a number of other very skilled and talented musicians and creatives; many of them with myself as the lone hand contributor; but these songs and projects have largely been my own brainchild and creations, which I believe qualifies me to discuss their details, inspirations and inceptions.  This won’t be the last time I thank these wonderful collaborators either, but THANK YOU everybody who has contributed towards the realisation of many these creative visions. And while bassists (such as me) are particularly reliant on other musicians at almost all times to perform and record music, and although I am now able to enact all aspects of the writing, recording and releasing processes myself, I have forever been the beneficiary of working and collaborating with countless talented people. So, thank you all again!

Soul Wide Open

Self-Titled EP, 2015

In 2014 I was a very busy man.  On top of my nine-to-five I was playing in Elbury, Imperius Rex and the Alphabet Street Funk Quartet. Phrased like this it doesn’t sound like much, but to provide context of the workload involved, we had a weekly Elbury rehearsal religiously every Wednesday (at the legendary Knapp Street band house where I was living at the time), and upward of 50 gigs that year with Elbury alone; weekly Imperius Rex rehearsals and intermittent gigs; as well as learning 60 funk covers songs with Alphabet Street in the first half of that year – also across weekly rehearsals – which resulted in the beginning of what became many, many gigs with that band over the six years subsequent. We released, launched and toured Elbury’s Demasquerade EP; finalised, launched and released the King Maker EP with Imperius Rex, and were kicking ass with the funk band playing quality venues – and making good money – in the second half of that year. 

Creatively I was in heaven! Three high-quality, fairly high-performance working bands is what a dedicated bassist dreams of! But a dedicated bassist in their twenties might have had the stamina to sustain that level of engagement.  I was 37. On top of band duties, my nine to five was also very busy and demanding. My then middle-aged mind and body were not coping, and at the end of that year I had a burnout-related meltdown.  My shrink in those days said, “Look at the hours you’re working in any given week! And, yes, factor in the band work – it is work, too. Document every hour you’re putting in each week – you’re working three full time jobs! Something must give, and it must give now.” And he was right.  Imperius reached its natural conclusion that August and continuing with the funk band was to become my sole remaining creative venture. Things in the office had become pretty tough also, so I had to take drastic steps to lighten my load.

By the time 2015 rolled around, I found myself with comparatively large amounts of free time. Large amounts of free time meaning still working nine-to-five and gigging with the funk band, but absolved of weekly gigs and rehearsals with the two other bands.  And with having been so engaged in band work and creative endeavours for so many years prior, I still had an abundance of song ideas which I really wanted to bring to the light somehow.

We were still going great guns with the funk band, receiving awesome responses from large audiences at our regular medium-sized venue gigs. Toby Aitken (drums), Lauren Crick (vocals) and Nathan Leonard (guitar) were all awesome players and musicians and the band sounded extremely tight and professional. Wouldn’t it be a dream to get that combination into the recording studio? And because I’d just completed some studio session work for Audra McHugh’s debut EP, and I recognised that the recording process with the Alphabet Street crew would be fairly smooth – especially given the calibre of our band members.

“It must’ve taken a lot a balls” a friend once said when I told him I approached the band to record five of my own songs. While it didn’t feel that way at the time, looking back it definitely did take balls. But I framed the approach such that each muso would be paid for their time in studio.  We were making $200 each a gig, so I proposed $200 as a fair price for a day’s studio work.  I would also cover all studio costs and provide guide track recordings for each of the songs well in advance of studio time to allow plenty of time to prepare. They agreed, and I was extremely excited! I proceeded to book a number of weekend sessions at the studio!

I had recorded with Cam Smith at Incremental Studios a few times previously with Elbury. He was recommended to us by my cousin Tim Evans, who has recorded there with his band Turnpike. Cam is very knowledgeable, fairly easy going and one of the few recording engineers in Brisbane affordable enough for me to book a couple of weekends as well as his time for the post-production mixing and mastering work required.  And his work always sounded good. So it was booked and ready to happen!

Swan Dive (Anesthesia)

Feels like too long to reach the end again,

Throw the stars in the night to the wind;

Outside, inside – fill the sky to the brim,

Soul Wide Open - blinding prisms within.

What you want may never come again,

Tell yourself everything’s ok in the end,

A careless front, but how can you pretend?

The same mistakes – don’t worry you’ll be forgiven.

Beneath the night sky slide passers-by again

Never known to you, him or I and then

What you want may never come again,

Tell yourself everything’s ok in the end,

A careless front, but how can you pretend?

The same mistakes – don’t worry you’ll be forgiven.

Feel no pain….

I live with the constant perception of being subject to a strange form of professional development – even at times when I happen not to be working.  Professional development which, as I perceive it, has aspects of a strange public life which, from my perspective, remains only implied and has to this day never been described to me or confirmed.  In fact, the countless times (must be hundreds) that I’ve asked scores of people about me having some kind of public life – that people, everyone everywhere, are being made aware of all aspects of my correspondences and interactions – have always been met with, “No, Tom, that’s not happening.” And yes – it is a strange perception to live with. And for context, this perception partially accounts for my ongoing need for medications and therapy. I live with, and since 2003 have been treated for, schizophrenia. Oh and significantly, this perception was also very much the inspiration behind “Soul Wide Open” as a band name.

Feels like too long to reach the end again  - the purpose of my perceived professional development, and the public interface that must somehow exist to enable all people to be privy to my interactions, must have an intended end point.  But it’s been 20 years now that I’ve lived with it and it still hasn’t ended.  20 years does feel like too long to the reach the end!

There’s wonderful melody in Lauren’s vocals for this number, and that the line above should be the very first line from the first of the 34 songs we would record as Soul Wide Open is a strange irony.  It was the very beginning! The drum takes are sublime and were a very rapid response by the adept Toby Aitken to a simple four beat groove I’d programmed for the guide track I provided for the recording.  Nathan Leonard’s guitar layering is technically wonderful, but also somewhat gentler and more melodic than the prog metal-edged work we’d provided for the preceding Imperius Rex recordings.  The sound has a much more (almost) experimental pop flavour than anything we’d done previously.  Cam’s production work is fantastic – on this song and the entire EP.

What you want may never come again,

Tell yourself everything’s ok in the end

Single men in their thirties may not have the same “ticking biological clock” that many theorise of single women that age.  But for myself at least, I had experienced some social pressures over time to “meet someone and settle down.” And those pressures were often metred out by the people, friends or family members, who otherwise seemed liberally minded and free thinking (if that’s even possible).  I have a cousin who, for fifteen years would preface every discussion with, “How’s it going – do you have a wife and kids yet?” Said cousin is a senior medical professional and yes, he does have a wife and five kids. “It’s the meaning of life!” he would say in a way which rules out all other lifestyle choices as being valid options in any possible way. Years earlier another female friend would get annoyed – “Why don’t you go out and meet someone?  I’ve known you for years and I’ve not known you to be with anyone at all.” Ironically, it’s the people who seem most open minded who give you grief. I’m not sure whether that’s because their annoyance is mild enough to actually express it without sounding psycho; perhaps those that never say anything are so sufficiently annoyed as to be verging on angry.  I don’t know. Maybe the 2020s is time for yet another sexual revolution, this time in aid of folks who choose to be single, or for whom coupledom simply isn’t an option for whatever reasons.

I am someone who’s always been contrary in the face of societal pressures. “You really should quit smoking” someone would say.  “Dammit!” I’d think – “and I was about to attempt to quit! Now that idiot-face has gotten in my hair, I have no choice but to continue smoking!”  Change must come from within, or something or other. Significant change is only ever incremental and should be motivated intrinsically.  I am proud of the fact that I have never sought to change another soul, or alter their paths, or comment on their lifestyle choices.  I believe people must find their own ways and that the only way out is through.  If someone deems themselves in need of assistance, that’s where professional help comes into play – or at least it should.

I’ve always known that a life partner and lovely woman would be a great addition to my life. So why a life of singledom – or “autonomy” as I describe it to myself? The medication I’ve taken for schizophrenia since 2003 is called Risperdal or Risperidone.  I take a moderate dosage, which has increased somewhat over the years.  All forms of medications have side effects – everyone knows that.  And while I’ve been fortunate enough to dodge the weight gain effect that is common for many people on Risperdal (like many antipsychotics), I do have to live with the sexual dysfunction.  I’ve had a small number of lady friends and flings over the now 20 years I’ve been taking the stuff.  The sexual dysfunctional and almost total lack of drive caused by the pills has always left me feeling empty and with a sense that the whole romance thing is pointless for me.  The women I have been with have said they’ve been happy.  Some of them have been, or at least seemed, to want to make something of a longer term relationship.  But the pervading sense of emptiness and futility intimacy leaves me with since I started taking the pills in 2003 has kind of rendered that “impossible” for me.  And to be honest, it annoys me that anyone – including myself - should have to account for themselves in this way.  Who wants to know?  Fuck off! That old cliché that you never truly know someone’s circumstance so it’s better not to judge kinda rings true for me.